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hi honeyk,

sorry if my love letter was cut short.  you see, i planned to write a simple letter for you, just the usual mushy, corny love declarations;  but, once i started typing, the words just flowed out of my mind and suddenly, i was walking down memory lane once again, recalling those events that lead me to be THE Mrs. Erick Calica.  before i knew it, the simple love letter had evolved to, um, a book?.  well, sort of.  so i had to continue it the next time i get enough time.  and today, i have the time.  thus, here it is, the PART 2.

…WHEN WE CONNECTED…

the day i noticed you was also the same day i fell in-love with you.  when i dared meet your gaze, emotions i never knew i possessed surged up inside me like a storm.  and among those feelings, fear emerged the fastest, the strongest. 

because your eyes said it all.  you let me see your soul honey!  you opened the door to your heart so i could understand.  how desperate could that be?  and how sweet?

“Lahnee..  lahnee..  ad-da ak lang ditoy, agay-ayat kenka.  nagbayag kan nga ur-urayen.  pansinen nak met koma.”  (Lahnee..  lahnee..  im just here, loving you.  for so long, i have waited for you..  please, take notice of me..”)

when i looked at you, i saw more than a man in-love.  i felt your longing, your desperation and your loneliness. 

your eyes told me of the years you spent loving me, secretly, from afar; and, of how much you wanted to speak to me during those times our paths crossed, that if only i would look at you even for a few seconds, then maybe, i’d finally notice there was an Erick Calica in the world.

but neither happened.    you never spoke to me, i never glanced at your direction.  thus, your feelings for me were kept bottled up inside you for more than 10 years, waiting for the right moment to come out.  and on that fated day in June of 1997, on those few seconds our eyes met, you let them all out.  and i became confused.  suddenly, my world was rattled as i became afraid.  because the moment you showed me your soul honey, i started loving you. 

“apay nga kastoy ti maritritnak kenka erick?  apay nga pumardas ti pinagpitik na toy pusok tatta nga kit-kitaek ta matam?  apay nga kasta ti ibagbaga ta matam kenyak?..  apay ngay ngaay-ayaten kan sa met ten?”  (”why do i feel like this towards you erick?  now that i am looking into your eyes, i feel my heart beating faster.  why?  your eyes, they tell me things, why?  am i falling in love with you?”)

the pain you had endured all those years from harboring unrequited love became my pain.  i wanted to heal your wounds.  i wanted you to absorb my love, all the love my heart could give, so that your suffering would stop.

“lahnee, kasla matay toy pusok ta saan ka nga bagi.  awan maka ammo toy panagayat ko kenka, nagbayag kon nga inlimed.  tatta, ammom mon.” (”Lahnee, my heart is dying because you are not mine.  nobody knows i love you.  it has been a secret i have kept for so long..  but now, you know.”)   

suddenly, i wanted to do so many things with you!  i longed to sit down beside you and hold your hand as we catch up on each others’ lives for the past years.  or, we could just plain embrace each other for hours and hours.  how nice it would be to feel your arms around me as your heart beats next to mine, to hear you breath, to feel your warmth.  since i never heard your voice for the last decade, i then ached to hear it,  to let it croon my heart until my own hurts would melt.  oh honey, that time, i was thinking how nice it would be..

“kayat ko ited kenka toy pusok, toy amin amin ko erick.  kayat ko sungbatan ta ayat mo ngamin ay ayaten kan.  kayat ko agbalin nga bagim, tapno agkadwa ta agin-gana inggana.  ngem saan nga mabalin.” (”i want to give you my heart, my all erick.  i want to love you back, because i am already loving you.  i want to be yours, so that we will be together forever…  but it cannot be..”

and with these thoughts, it suddenly dawned on me that i wanted you for the rest of my life!  that if it was not with you whom i would grow old with, then living would mean wasting my life.  when i understood this, i accepted it with much sadness.  because it could never be.  i could never have you.

because someone already owned me.  and as i was loving you that time, he was loving me even more. 

 —  TO BE CONTINUED —